Treasure in Jars of Clay

We are quickly approaching Thanksgiving day. I still can't believe how November seems to be just flying by. I feel like I just delivered the boys the other day, and the month is nearly over. I still can't get over the loss, but each day I am trying to move forward and keep the little bit of memory I have alive and vibrant.  Last night I tuned in to my church's Friday night service. It was nice to be in that environment. The praises and worship songs really lifted my spirits. I especially loved the Bible verses that were shared during the message:                         "Praise the Lord, my soul,                          and forget not all his benefits--                         who forgives all your sins                         and heals all your diseases,                         who redeems your life from the pit                         and crowns you with love and compassion,                         who satisfies your desires with good things                         

Yesterday no tears came out, but today I thought about how a family of 4 was supposed to be a family of 6. It doesn't seem right or fair, but it is reality. It is hard to accept the life that I now must continue to live without my boys. I know God has been gracious and good. I cannot deny that in the hardest moments He has been there covering me and my family. What often gets washed over is the fact that grief must be lived even when it is hard to accept. I must grieve. I must cry. I must grapple with what has just happened even when it brings up feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration. I need to feel all the feelings so that I can heal. I don't always feel sadness and I don't always feel the pain. I feel joy. I feel joy at knowing that I could hold those two precious boys and kiss their gentle cheeks. I feel joy that they were able to hear my voice and know Mama loved them very much. I feel joy in knowing that I gave them a chance to have a life as short as it was. I f

The world knew you for only minutes of time I knew you from inside, the feeling was sublime. I covered you and kept you warm, I loved you through the thick and thin of it. There will never be a regret, I thank God for in a short time at least we met. Your gentle feet and soft skin I feel upon me, The thought of you nearby sets my tears free. I'm free to feel the loss of you, and free to feel the life you knew. If I could have just one more minute, I'd gladly accept you two within it. I'd rock you just a little longer, and somehow this would make me stronger. Strong enough to breathe a little more without you. Strong enough to love as though I were not blue. You, the thought of you, The two of you, dancing around in Heaven's expanse, The thought gives me a chance... to hope a little more dream a little more live a little more. More to love. More to live. More to embrace. I loved you with all that I had  and all that I am, but God loves you more than I can. He loves you s

The simplest of tasks seem so different now. One moment in the quiet I feel a sense of calm and the next moment a wave of tears come rushing out. How can this be? Seeing tiny fingers remind me of their small yet firm grasp. Folding their blanket brings back the feeling of their tiny joined bodies in my most loving embrace. It aches. Yet, it is also beautiful and sublime. But it aches. It cries out loud. Every. Single. Day. I just miss you two and I don't know how to feel. Mama Bear

How do you come back to reality? How do you begin to feel again after all the hurt and pain? Your mind is racing even in the dark of the night. Your heart is palpitating as it yearns for that which is already gone. How long? When will the hurt heal? When will I learn to feel? Feel Release Recover Embrace. I  Miss You Two. EC & NC 11/06/20-11/06-20