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Thankful Still


We are quickly approaching Thanksgiving day. I still can't believe how November seems to be just flying by. I feel like I just delivered the boys the other day, and the month is nearly over. I still can't get over the loss, but each day I am trying to move forward and keep the little bit of memory I have alive and vibrant. 

Last night I tuned in to my church's Friday night service. It was nice to be in that environment. The praises and worship songs really lifted my spirits. I especially loved the Bible verses that were shared during the message:


                    "Praise the Lord, my soul, 

                    and forget not all his benefits--

                    who forgives all your sins

                    and heals all your diseases,

                    who redeems your life from the pit

                    and crowns you with love and compassion,

                    who satisfies your desires with good things 

                    so that your youth is renewed like the 

                    eagle's."                               -Psalm 103:1-5


Even though losing my boys is quite possibly one of the hardest events I have had to live through, God has still been good. God is still gracious. As I stop and think about the trajectory of this journey, I know that God has been there with me through it all. From the moment I got the news of my boys' condition in a quiet, dark and almost frigid examination room to the moments I shielded hurtful comments and right up to walking into the Operating Room to begin my c-section not knowing what to expect. I can even say that His hand sustained me as I walked out that hospital on, Monday, November 9, 2020 sans babies. I think of how I was able to hold it all together and not completely fall apart. People think I am strong, courageous and brave. I feel weak and small. I feel frail. I am none of the former things, God is all of that. It is because of His strength that I even have an ounce of courage, bravery or even the ability to get up and keep moving forward. If it had not been for His love, mercy, consolation and peace, where would I be right now?

The message yesterday emphasized the need to be thankful, even in the difficult times. There truly is always something to be thankful for. I think about my boys and although I did lose them and it is very sad, I think of what to be grateful for in the midst of that painful moment:


I am thankful I survived a c-section with NO complications.

I am thankful that I had my husband right by my side.

I am thankful for Helen, a phenomenal RN.

I am thankful for my doctor, who held my hand through this whole process.

I am thankful for everyone's steadfast prayers, even in moments where I couldn't utter the words for myself. 

I am thankful that my boys were born alive.

I am thankful I was able to hold my boys alive, feel their warmth, their movements and see their playful interactions with each other. 

I am thankful the hospital I delivered in was gracious enough to allow me to be with my boys for as long as I needed and wanted. 

I am thankful that through it all I have memories that I can keep for a lifetime.

I am thankful for the Child Specialist team that helped me make a memory box and gave me the most beautiful pictures that I can cherish alongside my family. 


I AM THANKFUL STILL....


D.C.

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