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No Tears


Yesterday no tears came out, but today I thought about how a family of 4 was supposed to be a family of 6. It doesn't seem right or fair, but it is reality. It is hard to accept the life that I now must continue to live without my boys. I know God has been gracious and good. I cannot deny that in the hardest moments He has been there covering me and my family. What often gets washed over is the fact that grief must be lived even when it is hard to accept. I must grieve. I must cry. I must grapple with what has just happened even when it brings up feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration. I need to feel all the feelings so that I can heal. I don't always feel sadness and I don't always feel the pain. I feel joy. I feel joy at knowing that I could hold those two precious boys and kiss their gentle cheeks. I feel joy that they were able to hear my voice and know Mama loved them very much. I feel joy in knowing that I gave them a chance to have a life as short as it was. I feel joy that God fashioned them and they were perfect, unique and a blessing to all who encountered them. The sadness is there because I would have hoped that I could continue the journey with them. I would have hoped to see them grow up and get to know their siblings. I would have hoped to help them as they learned to walk, talk, and eat for the first time. I wanted to witness all of that firsthand. I wanted to nourish them with my body, but never was able to. I wanted to hold them one last time while the warmth was still on their tiny bodies, but alas I cannot. The grief sets in as I come to accept that our journey in the physical has ended. Yet, the joy surfaces in knowing that they can always be a pleasant memory in my heart. I will never forget the short moment we met and although your eyes never opened, I know your ears were inclined to hear me and your dad. I know you felt the love from the warmth of our bodies and I know you were at peace. I will never regret for a moment that I gave both of you a chance at life and that I loved you with all that I had. I look back with tears in my eyes now, but I know the tears are mingled with not only sadness at our departure, but joy in our reuniting someday. God is with you now and I know there are no better arms that can keep you safe and loved. 


"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise--in God I trust and am not afraid."

 -Psalm 56:3-4

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