Treasure in Jars of Clay

If I could I’d dial the numbers  Transporting me to you, Connecting our heartbeats and voices  In one tune. I’d hear your breaths draw in and out I’d hear the first small cry. If heaven had a telephone  The moment that you died. I’d hear a little giggle as you grew from Month to month, I’d envelope myself in the love I’d held on to so much.  If heaven had a telephone the lines would be so busy ‘Cause we’d laugh and talk for hours spinning ‘round as if we’re dizzy.  The telephone to you is cut, the cord is non-existent Another is available and I dial quite persistent  The lines are always open  The Receiver is consistent.  I talk about my sadness and grief the pain within my heart I talk and He will listen, we are never far apart. And I cry into this pillow soaked with tears,  Thanking God for this telephone to communicate my fears. And I sigh a feeling of relief with every conversation  Because He listens to my words without a hint of fr...

Yesterday the paperwork came through the mail concerning the headstone for Ethan and Nathan. I signed my signature finalizing everything. It still feels so strange to say headstone and associate it with babies, my babies. The burial already felt so surreal, but now having a stone laid on the ground makes it somehow more real and the permanence of it all is finally beginning to sink in, deep within me.  I feel like an official "goodbye" would mean to leave everything behind. The pregnancy, Ethan and Nathan and being a mother of two beautiful twins. How could I say "goodbye" without forgetting forever? How could saying "goodbye" fall out into the sky and dissipate into the silence as if they never existed?  I don't want to ever feel like they never existed. I want to remember forever the beauty in them and within me while I carried them. The casket, the headstone, the cemetery tell me to say "goodbye," but my heart says, "I will see you a...

Today all that is in my mind is the ever present question, Why? Why Ethan & Nathan? Why? Why did I become pregnant with twins but they never separated? Why? Why do I have to live with this aching feeling and have nothing to hold on to? Why? I miss them so much and my heart is just so down.  My littles are praying to God for another baby.  Why? Why? Why? My voice is echoing in the night reverberating with a dull and sometimes muffled, why? I know I may never come to find an answer to my lament, but I lay with tears falling gently on my bed and still utter, why? It seems so silent here in my grief, but I know you’re there God and I love you still.  I know you hear me and understand the frustration that is enveloped in the question, Why?

  Today I breathe. The breaths  Sway through the silent air... A message, Please hear me. I need you.  We are off to the hospital. Please, pray.  My tear stained face cannot be erased.  Let  Me Grieve. Let Me Feel.  Let  Me Heal. It is not a one day potion, Am I making too much of a commotion For you? I’m at a loss not for one but two.  Do you hear my silent grief Stilled Chilled In the silence Of the winter’s cold wind.  Sobs are muffled but it still stings. Joy? There it is. Waves and waves of crashing anger, sadness and emptiness... Empty empty womb It  Has Buried Itself  With the two In  The Tomb. Let  Me Grieve. Let Me Breathe The sorrow The joy The madness The chaos That  Is Empty  Womb Full Tomb.  Let Me Grieve.  DC

I was fine today... until I was not. Some days this completely defines what grief feels like. What I am realizing the most is that I can't quite wrap my head around the grief. In some ways I think I will grow stronger, but my heart will always remember Ethan and Nathan fondly. A part of me will always mourn them or hope for them to return to my arms so I can cradle them again. If I don't think about it, I can pretend it never happened. The truth is that it DID happen and that it is very much a part of my life journey now, and accepting that while moving forward gets mucky and sticky at times.  I want to be able to smile at some things that still make me cry. I want to be able to hear the names Ethan and Nathan apart from posting about them and not feel the longing anymore.  Some days I feel very vividly the emptiness that is my womb. They were there for a substantial time, more time than they were outside of me in fact. I guess that's why I have become so sensitive to pregn...