This isn't "Goodbye"

Yesterday the paperwork came through the mail concerning the headstone for Ethan and Nathan. I signed my signature finalizing everything. It still feels so strange to say headstone and associate it with babies, my babies. The burial already felt so surreal, but now having a stone laid on the ground makes it somehow more real and the permanence of it all is finally beginning to sink in, deep within me.

I feel like an official "goodbye" would mean to leave everything behind. The pregnancy, Ethan and Nathan and being a mother of two beautiful twins. How could I say "goodbye" without forgetting forever? How could saying "goodbye" fall out into the sky and dissipate into the silence as if they never existed? I don't want to ever feel like they never existed. I want to remember forever the beauty in them and within me while I carried them. The casket, the headstone, the cemetery tell me to say "goodbye," but my heart says, "I will see you again."

Ethan and Nathan, I will see you again. I love you both. xoxo.

Comments

Hard to Say Goodbye to 2020...

It has been a long while since I have posted. Time has passed and I actually don't really know where I am in the grieving process. I am grateful for all that I have, but I know a part of me still misses what could be. To rewind a bit, I will discuss my New Year celebration this year. Usually my family and I bring in the New Year at church. This is something I have always looked forward to. We get together sing songs, hear testimonies and a last reflection of the year from our pastor. Due to COVID, much like many other events, this has changed. This year I stood home with my small family. I remember venturing out in the evening because I just had to get something New Years related. Traditionally my mother would always get a hat, noise maker, or anything fun and quirky to ring in the New Year. I always loved that she tried to make it festive and fun. So as I walked outside in search for New Years gear, I was saddened by the fact that all the outdoor vendors were non-existent. I fina...

Change

The leaves are falling The birds are singing Everything is the same, but it's different. The wind is blowing autumn's silent song I feel the return of feelings I have held onto for so long. Falling Crashing Swaying Life feels the same, but it's different. Change is evident in the shifting hues Orange Red Yellow Fading into snow. Seasons come, Seasons go. Everything stays the same, but it's different. The streets clear into the night, Everyone sleeps. The morning's glow is a potent light. Bright, as the day covers the ground, Everything around it stays the same it looks the same but it is different. You have forever changed me. You have forever awakened me in a way nothing else has. I want to feel the same but it is different. I want to look the same but I am different. I want to speak the same but the words are different. What once was, will never be. The transition crashes into me, bringing waves of uncertainty. Questions awaken in me. Frustrations soar out of my...

...

I can’t Push Past The Why. 🥺

Treasure in Jars of Clay

Search This Blog