This isn't "Goodbye"

Yesterday the paperwork came through the mail concerning the headstone for Ethan and Nathan. I signed my signature finalizing everything. It still feels so strange to say headstone and associate it with babies, my babies. The burial already felt so surreal, but now having a stone laid on the ground makes it somehow more real and the permanence of it all is finally beginning to sink in, deep within me.

I feel like an official "goodbye" would mean to leave everything behind. The pregnancy, Ethan and Nathan and being a mother of two beautiful twins. How could I say "goodbye" without forgetting forever? How could saying "goodbye" fall out into the sky and dissipate into the silence as if they never existed? I don't want to ever feel like they never existed. I want to remember forever the beauty in them and within me while I carried them. The casket, the headstone, the cemetery tell me to say "goodbye," but my heart says, "I will see you again."

Ethan and Nathan, I will see you again. I love you both. xoxo.

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